Dear Uncle Sugar Daddy Huckabee,
I was reading this quote from you, and I hope you won't mind if I share it with my friends.
From the big, warm heart of Mike Huckabee (R)- “I think it’s time for Republicans to no longer accept listening to Democrats talk about a war on women. Because the fact is, the Republicans don’t have a war on women. They have a war FOR women. For them to be empowered; to be something other than victims of their gender. Women I know are outraged that Democrats think that women are nothing more than helpless and hopeless creatures whose only goal in life is to have a government provide for them birth control medication. Women I know are smart, educated, intelligent, capable of doing anything anyone else can do. Our party stands for the recognition of the equality of women and the capacity of women. That’s not a war ON them, it’s a war FOR them. And if the Democrats want to insult the women of America by making them believe that they are helpless without Uncle Sugar coming in and providing for them a prescription each month for birth control because they cannot control their libido or their reproductive system without the help of the government, then so be it, let’s take that discussion all across America because women are far more than Democrats have made them to be. And women across America have to stand up and say, Enough of that nonsense.”
Am I a victim of my gender? Or is my collective gender victim of a government governed predominantly by men in a nation that refuses to give women equal rights? We don’t really want to bother ourselves with all that negative energy do we? It’s winter, in the year of the polar vortex, isn’t life hard enough? Why focus on real issues when we can talk about sugary sweet delights.
Maybe a better question for me is, How attractive is this Uncle Sugar? Because if he is appealing I might need to get myself dolled up and set my goals a little higher. I probably won’t be able to control my wild libido, and lordy lordy Uncle Sugar won’t be able to stop me once that out of control libido gets going, because we all know how us mighty empowered women can be. Must be all those women that are victims of domestic violence, rape, and abuse, were tricking those men into thinking they are physically bigger, and stronger and threatening. We women folk just do that to make them feel good, so as not to emasculate them. Because well, men don’t have a chance against us sugar hipped women, we have to make them feel a little significant don’t we?
Everyone knows birth control medication is only wanted by women. Right? We all know those members of that other gender are sitting around, passively wishing every time their libido was actively functioning they could produce some babies. Loads and loads of babies.
I only wish, like Mike, let’s just call him; Sugar Daddy Huckabee, I could say the men I know are outraged that Republicans and Democrats alike think they are so hopeless and helpless that they need to keep blaming women for the ills of the nation. I think if some of those men, the imaginary ones that I have not ever known or heard about, if they could have babies they would just keep having them. They would work hard and take care of all those babies and love them to pieces. They would give those babies sugar and love them up, morning, noon and night. Because it just isn’t right that all those victims of my gender should be able to have access to and use birth control to try not having all those babies.
We all know the current poverty level in America is made up predominantly of women and children. We also know these very children have some sugar-lovin’ Daddies somewhere, but most likely those daddies don’t even know they have children. Those unbeknownst Daddies were probably just minding their very own business when some crazed woman, some outrageous victim of her gender, some sexed up wild cat just snuck in and had her way with him. And if those daddies only knew they had babies, well they would be knocking down doors to care for all those babies already out there.
But wait, let me try to understand this; Uncle Sugar doesn’t mind providing pharmaceuticals for erectile dysfunction. That is a little perplexing. I wonder if it is some conspiracy. Do you think maybe those wild out of control women are really running the government? Why else would Viagra be available but to feed the needs of those empowered, sex-hungry women? Maybe the Republican party is trying to fight a war for the victims of my gender, after all. That must be why they want my gender to wait 72 hours before we can decide whether or not we want an abortion, surely it’s not related to controlling the reproductive systems of women.
Last year Sen. Rick Santorum (R-PA) discussed his concerns about providing birth control to women. He claimed it was “a license to do things in the sexual realm that is counter to how things are supposed to be.” I'm not sure what I was supposed to be doing during all those fertile years when I was popping birth control pills, expensive ones, that I paid for back in the day when Uncle Sugar Daddy wasn't paying. Earlier in Mr. Santorum’s career, he also said, “What we have is moms raising children in single-parent households simply breeding more criminals.” An of course we also were informed, By Todd Akin (R) after we are raped our bodies have some gizmo that self-aborts some other criminal’s baby, no doubt those rapists were products of single mothers and what else should us women expect?
In all of this political rhetoric regarding demonic women yielding their powers to destroy these great United States of America, seldom is there conversation about the discrepancies in pay between men and women. We don't need to worry ourselves about domestic violence or rape. Surely we don't need to consider that marriage alone does not cure poverty, nor does divorce always lead to it. We don’t need to get ourselves bogged down with those details now do we?
I must admit, I am a little confused about whether single mothers are ruining the nation because they have babies, or if providing women with access to birth control so they don’t keep having babies is the problem. Just last week I noticed a whole gaggle of women sitting around, eating all that milk and honey fed directly to them from the loins of Uncle Sugar. If only I could wrap my pretty little head around the real issues. All that sweet saccharin lovin’ has made it nearly impossible for me to figure out a thing, especially after providing for my three children with minimal support and not a lick of sugar offered up by any old uncle.
Miss Sugar Hips