I am starting to enjoy me, when I am not questioning and second-guessing that same me. The me that gets impassioned, or annoyed or angered, the unenjoyable me. I might be getting closer to becoming more enjoyable to others on a more sustainable, consistent and regular basis. And not just the self-chosen, hand-picked others, which are really more of the, mutually determined select few that "get me" right out of the gate. There might be a total of 8 of this type.....in the Universe.....at any given time......or maybe across a life span or two. That number might actually be somewhat inflated. Of those eight, there are possibly/probably 3 that often need a mutual friend to translate or be back-pedaled away from a cryptic conversation or some supposed slight, or so I imagine, and occasionally have witnessed or have stumbled through or into.
I have been known to get really impassioned about certain topics. Taboo and unenjoyable topics like gender inequality, or religion, or politics. You know, those topics that you are taught not to raise in polite conversation. So, I don’t get to participate in polite conversations, much. A bit of self-sabotage, if you will, I blow it by getting impassioned about those very anointed impolite topics. I could participate, it’s just that I can’t seem to not get impassioned about some of those other topics. And people for the most part like to be polite, more so than passionate. I unfortunately, or fortunately, can’t seem to ignore the glaring gender inequalities, or ignore the misuse of religion far from it’s intended use of providing hope and goodness. Well that’s my understanding of the use for it anyway. I have a difficult time, not snickering or snarkily adding commentary about politics, especially when “values” are promulgated upon the hungry partisans and disregarded or blatantly un-adhered to in broad daylight by the very promulgat rs, or politicos spouting about the evils of say, birth control and/or sexual encounters of one sort or another.
It works like this; when troubling topics come up, I have a hard time smiling pretty and swallowing hard. Big things mostly. I’m not a great avenger of all things unjust. I don’t self-righteously seek out wrong in an effort to make it “right”. I don’t have a God-complex. I have enough work to do, thank you very much. I’m not up for that job and I don't want those hours. I also have this great deal of Jesus-learning about being humble, or at least not front and center. I really don’t seek stuff out. I definitely know enough not to go looking for trouble. If I could I would avoid it at all costs.
But throw it in my face? Honestly? I am probably going to react. I have definitely reacted to a couple of things over the past few years. These reactions have been swirling around me in what appears to be an effort to apprise me of some new world order, or maybe just a flukey coincidence as I keep on trucking forward, on the way to nirvana.
React I have. If anyone wants the details send a request in the comment section or a self-addressed stamped envelop with loads of cold hard cash and I might share some gory details, but it’s highly doubtful. I like to keep things private and unless you are in that 5-8 grouping mentioned above, you aren’t really interested in my reactions or troubles for any honorable reasons.
The swirling around piece that I am certain has been a message from wherever Universe messages come from, has me thinking. It does seem to be time to evaluate and reflect upon my responses to the world and those around me. I am thinking that becoming even more enjoyable to others, may require a little more letting go and a lot more joy and elation. I have access to “Notes from the Universe” or TUT, or some interesting web-generated data-base that is manned by Mike Dooley and all things New Age and remarkably profitable. I am interested in becoming a better person after all and this site has helped me with the letting go. Now that I am no longer holding on to just so much unenjoyment, it is a lot easier to grasp joy and elation.
If you click this link http://www.tut.com/theclub/ and register and sign up or give them your cell-phone number and 3 bank account numbers you can hear from the Universe too. Well, not really, it's free. It even uses your name, like a letter from Santa for adults. It goes something like this; Hey, Ginger, everything that is happening today will make you a happy, successful wunderkind. Enjoy the day. With love and cartwheels from the Universe. It gets me looking closer at the good things that are happening, and that gives me less time to look at the not so good. I might even try to do a cartwheel, well probably not really, but maybe a high kick or two.
The mantra at tut.com is “Thoughts become things, choose wisely.” Admittedly, I have had some unpleasant thoughts about some people and I can’t say exactly for sure if they have become those thoughts permanently, or they started out that way. Leave it to suffice, the thoughts fit and these are not thoughts I want to have regularly or want to be around. I may want to proceed with caution and only choose thoughtful thoughts to think about people I like and leave the Universe to attend to or annoy the others. Back to all the swirling around nirvana-prompting activities. The swirling seems to be informing me that I could, maybe, try to smile a little bit through the B.S. of others less fortunate, or less intact, or less kind than I. I also think the swirling might be letting me know that there are times that anger is an appropriate response and I am permitted use of that particular emotion on occasion. The swirling, or the Universe, was even good enough to uncover an emotion chart in some such conflict resolution guide that actually placed anger dead center between annoyed, frustrated, rage, and, I can’t recall the worst, or top ranking maddening behavior. It might have frightened me, being so much bigger than anger and all. I was quite pleased with the finding. I have been considering bringing the emotion chart to validate my clearly even-tempered, middle of the road, or at least, middle-charted reactive behavior to a few upcoming events. I can use a pointer to highlight how fair to middling I am in the scheme of things
Tonight while checking out a few things from the local grocery store, the cashier rolled her eyes and snarled when I reached for a paper bag to begin bagging. This cashier was a seasoned adult, not a 16 year old with eyes rolling on auto-pilot. She had started, and was free to continue, bagging in plastic. She seemed really put off by my action. I didn’t excitedly stop her, or attempt to promulgate the necessity of saving the planet with paper bags instead of plastic.
It’s not something I am impassioned about. I typically “bag”, I prefer paper. I use them for collecting my own recycled papers, everyone else is free to manage as they please. I didn’t need to defend or explain. I just smiled. I continued smiling and bagging. Smiling and bagging. My son watched. Eyes going back and forth between the darkened eyes of the cashier and the smiling eyes of his mother. He nervously snickered. We giggled on the way out to the car while I gently shrugged my shoulders. This was not an event that called for annoyance, frustration, anger, rage, or what? murder?
We have choices. Smiles and bags, paper or plastic. Enjoyable me. The cashier won’t push my list of people that "get me" up to nine, but I remain hopeful and happier and I am more often enjoyable of late. I just might reach nine before the end of the month. Cartwheels and highkicks. Smiles and bags.