I have been enjoying a bit of a rebirth lately. A nice tie in to the season of Lent. I am at this funny place in my life when I suddenly have some time for myself. Trying out a little yoga, writing, being creative when time allows. A rebirth. Although, my rebirth is more to do with aging than sacrifice, there are definite overlapping precepts here. As I have aged up to this point there have been many sacrifices, this much is true. I sacrificed my time, blood, sweat and tears to provide for and support my children- ohhhh the suffering I could lament, but truly for the most part, I have really enjoyed being a mother and watching my children grow. I am one of those Kahlil Gibran fans:
Your children are not your children. They are the sons and daughters of Life's longing for itself. They came through you but not from you and though they are with you yet they belong not to you.
Maybe having the children grow the way they do, and what with all the enjoyment I was having, I hadn’t realized or had any bit of time, to enjoy pursuits of my own. Simple things, and easily available. I am in a good place right now. So good, in fact that people have noticed and commented. I am liking this aging thing. Right now.
One of the oddest perks of aging is starting to reveal itself. My vision has changed. The idea that I can’t read anything without glasses anymore isn’t a perk. There are, however, two vision related benefits that I am really enjoying and they seem somehow connected. The first one works like this, you see someone from your past and you can’t believe how old they look. Wow, have they aged! Boy life must have been hard on them. You start to feel a little better about yourself, you appreciate the simple things, your health, your good fortune. (Of course, the vision of that person works the same way, he or she can’t believe how old you look!). You can see how much everyone else ages, but you don’t see it in yourself as harshly. You actually look pretty good in comparison! You walk off from the experience a little taller and straighter, with your gut sucked in.
The second vision perk is not quite as ophthalmologically related. It is more about an outlook or more pointedly, a glossing over. Things you can’t bare to see just yet, start to have a fuzzy, Hollywood blur to them. This one I didn’t see coming. I am more the pragmatic, stoic type. The "put it right out there in broad daylight so I can deal with it" approach is more my style. Lately, I have been very accepting of this fuzzy view. My bleary sightedness hit home this week when I received my son’s College Commencement schedule. I didn’t eagerly rip it open and start planning. I glanced and then put it aside to let the dog out. I noticed an event or two and brought up the imagery of the setting and then went about my business. I thought how beautiful the garden would soon be…. My son is graduating from college in two months. He will be relocating a couple thousand miles away. While I suck in my gut and feel a little cocky about how great I look, I don't need to look so closely at anything else.
I finally "see" the benefits of denial. Of course everyone else around me is looking a little to the side of me as they wait to watch me grasping my son's ankles as he pulls off and drives into his great future. I can't imagine why they "see" me this way. I'm going to go out and rake and watch Spring come into bloom. A rebirth. A new life. See? Aren't the forsythia beautiful just about now?
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