Recently a friend sent me a youtube link titled Speed
Dating http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3RDnUUfgf0o&sns=em It chronicles dating habits from
both the male and female perspective.
It’s a satirical look at how we stumble through dating in an effort to
make ourselves seem commonly appealing and generically worthy. Or that’s at least my take on it. I suppose this is a necessary approach. This same friend has shared a viewpoint on
dating that seemed at first darkly cynical but lately I am reconsidering her outlook. Ensnarement, is how she put it. The youtube short basically corroborates this
take.
I have just completed an Olympic-sized attempt at bagging a
date. If crazy was the Gold Medal, I
would be on the podium looking like a combination of Susan Boyle and Tom Cruise on Oprah way back
when. If getting the date was the Gold
Medal, well, I would need to go back home a loser and my hometown high school
gym would have a few obligatory well wishers and maybe some chicken biscuits
and gravy and cupcakes, some flat punch... If getting
through this chapter of my life working out how the hell to approach someone
that is commonly appealing and generically worthy, then I might be playing
T-ball and bumper bowling for several more years if I choose to continue to make dating an
Olympic-sized activity.
Suffice it to say being scary was not my goal but in one
particular case it might be my legacy. Fortunately it was never road
tested. Sometimes, the more you try
something, the worse it gets. Sometimes
the more you try something, the better you get at it. And sometimes knowing when to stop and cut
your losses is the only way to go.
Unfortunately, I was in need of a mercy killing. Instead I bled out and left a mess of disproportionate
horror. I don't think I was entirely alone in it, but
I can only speak for myself here and elsewhere.
I decided to put together a brief guide to refer to
in the future. Let’s see how this goes.
Avoiding Crazy in the Bagging A Date Event
Pre-Event Primer- Don't refer to this as bagging a date, all sorts of wrong and insensitive.
1.
Be Yourself
(but don’t let out what that means)
2.
Don’t ask too many questions
3.
Don’t answer any questions directly
4.
Don’t text, sext, IM or chat
5.
Go for Passive, Hope to Calmly Assert, and Then Head to Aloof
6.
See What Happens, but don’t expect anything
1.
Be Yourself (but don’t let out what that means)
Lately, being myself means so many things at so many times it is
honestly difficult to not appear crazy if you catch me at the wrong time and
you haven’t been around me enough to know you caught me at the wrong time. Come back later, as in a year from now or
five minutes from now depending on your level of tolerance. I am interested in jump starting the dating
thing now, but I am recovering from a twenty year marriage. As I am recovering, I occasionally bump into
the court system and a drawn out divorce process. It stirs up all sorts of emotions. I occasionally step in questionable judgment
regarding the male gender side of our species and attempt to wipe some old shit
off my feet (this never looks attractive or feels good), Look the other way,
it’s not your shit but I don’t want to smell of it, and I don’t want you to
smell it at all, it needs to be wiped off, sorry, what else can I say? I occasionally attempt to prove my own
worthiness by well, I have probably brought crazy here just to feel different,
new, improved, ready and I’m happy to say, I just am-worthy, no need to work
this end as though I were trying out for America’s Got Crazy or Talent or
whatever reality show superstardom launching pad of the year is being showcased.
My “self”?
I’m getting back to open and somewhat calm, but I am also fiercely
independent and spirited. Calm is a
place I need to call home but I like some level of adventure occasionally. I don’t like drama in spite of the amount of
energy I have launched at dating and the consequential drama it has
effected. I bled out, I needed a mercy
killing, but I’ve thankfully exhausted this activity and can now, again, walk
upright with composure. It feels good
to be home. I'll work at mysterious and alluring, but not too much.
2.
Don’t ask too many questions
I have been a long time confused about the way to get to
know someone. I like to know people
deeply. Not everyone, but if I am
interested in potentially spending time with someone intimately, romantically,
or even just more than most others, I like to know who they are. I ask questions. I’m curious.
I don’t have to ask all the questions at once, I suppose. I have learned it’s overwhelming and
sometimes it comes off as intense or pushy or too direct or whatever, Jeez
Louise, sometimes it’s really just OK to answer questions if someone is
asking. But I don’t get to make up the
rules. Sometimes I do need to conform to
them, I suppose, or I can just avoid the whack jobs that feel the need to shut
down and get all secretive and interpret this as something dark and evil. Lighten Up Peeps, life’s short, what are you
waiting for? Tell your story and shine,
I’m not taking notes. (Well I might be,
I’m a writer, I like to take notes…but it doesn’t mean anything…. Except that I
am interested or..... well, maybe you are a whack job!)
3.
Don’t answer any questions directly
In keeping with not asking too many questions, I find people
don’t always like to be answered. They want to be intrigued and imagine you to be some wild fantasy object and if you answer them, you ruin the fantasy and now what? I have a tendency toward honesty and
directness. I don’t generally like to
mess around in this area. I usually
believe, perhaps, wrongly, when people ask questions, they want to know the
answer. I am starting to pick up serious
vibes this isn’t the case. Last week,
for instance, I was at a collaborative work session and a supervisor asked the
team a question regarding how to proceed.
There were two choices. The room
went quiet, temporarily and people started looking down and avoiding the
question. Only temporarily because when
I realized enough polite time went by to speak, I spoke. I answered the question, directly, with
evidence to support my opinion. Three
others quickly agreed with my answer and a decision was made. It wasn’t anything controversial so it was
strange to me that we were asked a question and no one seemed to want to answer
it. It’s worse that I am sometimes
viewed as too strong or direct in these instances.
I am starting to wonder if question asking is some sort of
philosophical domain that needs to be dealt with philosophically. Many people answer questions with questions
or by submitting to the question asker.
“What do you want to do this weekend?”
“What would you like to do?” “I’m
not sure, do you want to stay around here?”
“What else did you have in mind?”….
Do questions get answered if the tree falls on the question asker in the
forest and no one is there to hear the tree fall?
Sigh, kick, muffle. What do I want to do this weekend? "I
want to go sit by the river, with a glass of wine, and recline a bit while
asking you questions and finding out more about you." In my mind I will be thinking or hoping: "I want you to ask me some questions too and sneak a kiss and dominate the conversation with your tongue" BUZZZZ
WRONG ANSWER.
4.
Don’t text, sext, IM or chat
Well,
this is especially close to home and it might be a very good idea for me to avoid
at all costs. My IPhone also needed a mercy
killing, it was an accomplice to a virtual nightmare that I seemed trapped in.
It
turns out this is not specific to me. I just
read a few articles stating that there is a growing trend of men staying in the
text phase and never progressing. I
seemed to have gotten caught up here working myself into a near fit to move
things out of this phase. The harder I
tried the deeper and longer I got stuck.
It was like a black hole of communication meltdown, misunderstanding and
generalized muck. It started out as flirtatious
and exciting. It ended with me waving
the flag of wingnut. I’m starting to
think it’s ok to just love and embrace my inner crazy. Go all out.
Men basically expect women to be hysterical, dramatic, psycho's, can’t we
at least loosen up our grip here and take off the control top whacko
minimizer? Then maybe they can loosen up
the bait and trap routine of setting us up for crazy. I think we would all get along a lot better
this way. But then we avoid all that
mystery and intrigue and name-calling…
Honestly,
how long was it going to take before I became a little annoyed, incensed, and
downright pushy about a date that was offered or suggested or mildly hinted at
for four months? I know this should be a
rhetorical question. I wasn’t supposed
to wait or work so hard on it and certainly not for four months. I was supposed to shut things down until someone
actually brightened my doorway. I just
fancy myself all sorts of open and patient and well there was attraction and I
am not exactly available for a big commitment at this time, and some of the texts
made me smile widely, and I just loves me a challenge. It felt really good until it felt really crazy.
Texting is a dangerous tool for communicating in the predating stage due to the fact that it
lacks 2 1/2 of the 3 components of communication.
I'll allow verbal to get a 1/2 point because the words are available. Verbal, Paraverbal, and Nonverbal messages work in conjunction to
effectively deliver information and thoughts. Those key components used to get
to know someone and get all giddy about their smiles, or the way they breathe
in when you say their name out loud or how their eyes twinkle or practically
pulse when you smile as you say hello.
The words that are chosen, need intonation and body language to
communicate meaning and emotion. And my texts just don’t provide any of that
no matter how over the top hard I tried.
As
for sexting, chatting, IMing same goes….
One
male perspective can be found at the following link. http://www.divinecaroline.com/22064/28021-men-text-message-dating-game It’s very funny and straightforward and I think the male perspective is pretty important.
5.
Go for Passive, Hope to Calmly Assert, and Then Head to Aloof
I know that there are some generic guidelines that are supposed to be adhered to or at the very least respected and attempted. Allowing the man to be in control, setting up the playing field as to appear worthy of the chase, not seem overly interested in sex while still being sexy....By now I do understand that no one likes pushy or direct or
aggressive and sometimes honest seems quite threatening and a bit too
self-actualized for common appeal or generic worthiness. I’m not sure how much I can contain some of
this and I’m not really sure that I want to.
I’ve never been strident for an elongated amount of time, and never without due cause, and I don’t
really think forceful would fairly describe me.
I don’t easily tolerate bs, but I don’t have to make this my
vocation, I can walk away, far away when it appears, I don't want to waste too much time wiping off the bottom of my shoes.
I have high expectations for myself. This doesn't make me look very passive or submissive. I don’t direct or demand the expectations of others. I’m
generally busy working towards my own goals so that I may progress toward Nirvana at a
snails pace through the infinity time continuum. I can maybe do this a little quieter. I don’t know, I'm willing to try.
I can be quiet and observe and take things in, I do this very well in fact, and it is much more in keeping with my sense of me. I certainly enjoy watching others achieve big
and small moments of bliss.
I might want to package or reframe some of this slightly. I can happily attend to my
goals and enjoy the small moments of happiness that have been scattered through
every one of my days. This may look like
aloofness if that’s important to someone.
I can calmly assert when needed, smile coquettishly, laugh lightly, speak sparingly.
6.
See What Happens, but don’t expect anything
Chill. Let go. Feel the
peace. Breathe in the calm and hold on
to it. Release and start again. OK with one minor alteration. Expect great things. Expect the best from myself and look for that
in others. Shine and be shined upon but go about my days without a dating or relationship care in the world.
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